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The candles burn low. Barry White is purring his way through his fifteenth consecutive “baby.” The mood is as set as it’s ever going to be. You lean close, your voice pitched to out-Barry Barry. “Want a taste of my Fat Bastard?”

Welcome to another night in front of the TV. Alone.

Alcohol is a time-honored component of seduction…though if it’s the only skit in your repertoire, you might want to rethink your approach…and it’s important to start with the right ingredients. Errors come in packages small (as with the unfortunately-named wine noted above) and large; I once knew a woman who was allergic to chardonnay, and the inevitable hives weren’t all that sexy. Plus, some liquids are just more suited to romance than others. Champagne, yes. Toad-flavored Ripple, not so much. Try pouring that in someone’s navel, and see how far you get.

As mentioned, Champagne is the classic precursor to a night of sheet-wrinkling, though other high-quality sparkling wines work just as well. It’s the froth that counts, anyway. Commentators usually suggest something pink (Billecart-Salmon Brut Rosé), but any color will do. Go for elegance (Pierre Peters), something a little more sultry (Bollinger), or look outside the confines of Champagne for the full-bodied (Roederer Estate l’Ermitage from California’s Anderson Valley), exciting (Muré Crémant d’Alsace), or fun (Renardat-Fache Bugey Cerdon, a light and blissful pink sparkler from a French region you probably haven’t heard of).

That last wine carries a little bit of residual sugar, which may just the thing to sweeten the mood. (Free tip: endless replayings of “Pour Some Sugar On Me” are too much.) Why not combine that sweetness with bubbles in a moscato d’Asti? It’s a low-alcohol, outrageously floral wine from the Piedmont that you’ll almost want to present in a vase…it’s that perfumed (Rivetti is a solid producer). Also from the Piedmont is brachetto d’Acqui, which is pink, fruity, and quite possibly the only wine that really goes with chocolate; Garitina “Niades” is a fine one in the local market. Champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries are a lousy idea, but brachetto with those same delicacies is absolute perfection. Heck, you might not even need Barry….

Sometimes, a little more vinous majesty is called for. A touch of class, leading to a touch of…no, never mind, I’m not turning this into a porn title. People can and do quibble about the application of the terms “masculine” and “feminine” to wine, but there’s a strong correlation between those qualities and the aspects of wine that specific people find sexy. (Really. There’ve been polls and everything. Do you actually think I’d make stuff up just to get someone into bed? The very thought!)

Those preferring something on the softer, more elegant side usually cite pinot noir as the ultimate expression of femininity. Red Burgundy is the ultimate in Old World elegance (wines from the Chambolle-Musigny and Volnay appellations are especially silky), but pinot from elsewhere can be just as compelling, albeit differently-structured. From New Zealand, Peregrine, Felton Road or Carrick are practically sex in a bottle. From the U.S., Domaine Drouhin Oregon, Scott Paul, Nalle and Belle Pente will get the, um, job done.

On the other hand, some prefer a little more masculine cut to their wine; “stiff drink” takes on a whole new meaning. Lots of grapes can work towards that end, but the paradigm pretty much belongs to cabernet sauvignon, which can come in the form of Bordeaux (Léoville-Barton is a true classic, though it’s not exactly cheap these days), or varietally-labeled and/or branded cabernet from pretty much anywhere else. Ridge (in the guise of their Monte Bello and Santa Cruz Mountains bottlings) is among the best of the domestics, but don’t miss Laurel Glen or Sierra Vista as well.

And despite what I wrote earlier, let’s not discount the salutary effects of alcohol itself. It feels a little like giving up, sure, but why shouldn’t desperation at least taste good? Fortified dessert wines (in which the fermentation has been stopped by the addition of a high-alcohol spirit) can be incredibly mood-enhancing, though be warned: too much can lead to premature drowsiness…the ultimate prophylactic. Port leads this category – both the Portuguese original (Quinta do Infantado, Quinta do Noval) and copycats from elsewhere (Australia and California both dabble with the style) – but there’s also Banyuls from France (Port-like with a dark chocolate tinge; Domaine de la Rectorie is the best) and muscats from all over Europe (see if you can find the exotic Arena Muscat du Cap Corse from Corsica). And if these are all too sweet, don’t worry: a few “…but it’s not as sweet as your eyes” lines, delivered with all the sincerity they deserve, should distract attention. One way or another.

Just – and I can’t stress this enough – be careful when you whip out the Fat Bastard. That thing could kill someone if they’re not ready.

(First published in stuff@night, 2007.)